Saturday, May 09, 2009

Ah who the hell am I kidding? :)

It's 3:15- can't sleep.

A few things:

-Just woke from a dream where I was looking after my dying father. Now my dad- thank God- is very much alive and healthy, thanks for asking :)...but in the dream he was in bed in some hospital and dying. Now before that, in the same dream, I was working at one of the junkyards he used to own and run when I was a kid. But in the dream I was a grown up and I was doing a really good job running his yard and dad seemed real pleased with me and my work. And then- just like that- we're in the hospital and he's dying but only he's not an old man anymore, but he's a little, little around 3 or 4. And he's so sad and so little and so cute. And he sits up in bed and I tell him it's ok and that I'm there for him. And I ask him if he wants to stay or if he wants to move on. And I hope so much that he'll say he wants to stay but I know the answer he is going to give: he shakes his head yes when I ask him if he wants to go be with "gaga" (the name we had/have for his mother who has been dead for a long time). And so- sad as I am- I pick my father up- who is this little boy- and I hold him as I slowly spin him around the room in a warm, tight embrace and tell him everything will be fine and that I love him and that I have him and that it's all ok.

And then I wake up.

And now I feel sort of sad, like I'd like to call dad right now. But it's 5 am in Alabama and I don't want to wake anyone. I'd like to go hug my kids too, but its 3am here and I don't want to wake them either.

Man, having small children of my own- who are the age of my dad in the dream- I realize that the bonds between parent and child (in both directions) are so much stronger than just physical. Dreams like this make me wonder if there is something to the idea that we are all old spirits who have known each other many lives over and we just keep going round and round with the same spirits as our companions. So in one life a spirit is your dad,in the next that same spirit is your kid, sometimes your next door neighbor. Is that what is going on with this life? Or something else entirely? Well, whatever it is, it reminds me of how wonderful and precious family is.

Either that or I've just been watching too much IN TREATMENT on HBO....which- truth be told- IS the case :) Amazing, amazing show!

- Yes, I am still blogging. I was pretty bummed by the leak from our game yesterday. Not so much the information that got out (there really was nothing in there that gave away what we were making or breached any sort of trust I have with the team or with Sony). I was just annoyed that someone would actually go thru the trouble of not only defogging the images (that I clearly was sharing with the net community and clearly didn't want defogged) but then that they would go so far as to post the info on the net. I know I'm a naive idiot for being surprised but sometimes the behavior of folks on the net can really just wear you down. But then you remember that most folks who come here and post about games and pop culture all over the net are just nice, passionate people. I have no desire to stop blogging- something I love to do- just because from time to time there are going to be people who do shit that really gets under my skin.

- On that same front, I'd been thinking alot about this idea that I would rather be known, loved,hated, ignored, forgotten,etc. all solely based on the work I contribute to, and not for my blog. Now I know my blog is not some massive's not like I get a million readers a month or anything. BUT it has brought me more attention than any of the games I've been involved with and sometimes I'm like: well what's the point of that? Better to not have a blog and if anyone thinks twice about me besides my loved ones, it will be because the work we do makes folks happy. And I do feel that way...strongly.

I've seen other folks I admire (in games, in comic books) stop blogging and there's something that feels kind of dignified about that action. Like those folks are saying: the work will speak for me, not some blog.

And again, I really appreciate that stance. It's a stance I often think about taking ( clearly)...

BUT I also know that it's 2009 and blogs and the internet are amazing tools for connecting with folks who DO like and support the stuff you and your team creates. I mean, how nice it is to be able to connect directly with the folks you have a hand in entertaining. How nice it is to hear that you and the team have made something that has really touched someone's life in a positive way. And how nice to share a look into our world with people who are clearly interested in such things. It is an amazing gift and opportunity and while there is a strong part of me that feels that the work should just speak for itself, a stronger part of me tells me that blogging is something I don't want to give up doing.

So I won't and I'm not.

And at the same time, me and the team are going to bust our butts to bring ya'll some of the best games you've ever played and allow the work to speak so loudly for itself that this whole worry will be a moot issue.

But so long story short: I don't want to stop blogging; so I'm not going to.

I do want to go to bed tho. I've put my LA trip on hold as I have to work this weekend :( And I'm getting tired so I'll just see you all next week!